About This Website  |  Who Am I?  |  Site Map  |  Music  |   Links  |  Contact Me

    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

Home > Humor

 

Humor

 

 

1). Funny Travel Photos

Whenever I take a road trip, I always look for funny and offbeat things.  Maybe that's because I'm a funny and offbeat guy.  I've posted funny photos from my recent travels around America, New Zealand, and Australia on the following pages:

 

2). Silence is Golden (Part 1)

I always like to make fun of the U.S. President, whoever he may be.  With George Bush's re-election, I'm looking forward to four more years of memorable quotes.  Here are some of his not-so-articulate utterings from the past few years:

 

  Bush_At_Podium.jpg (48224 bytes)

Left He won't get fooled again.

"There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on -- shame on you.  Fool me -- you can't get fooled again."  Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

 

"And so, in my State of the -- my State of the Union -- or State -- my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation -- I asked Americans to give 4,000 years -- 4,000 hours over the next -- the rest of your life -- of service to America.  That's what I asked -- 4,000 hours."  Bridgeport, Connecticut, April 9, 2002

 

"There's nothing more deep than recognizing Israel's right to exist.  That's the most deep thought of all.  I can't think of anything more deep than that right."  Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

 

"Do you have blacks, too?"  To Brazilian president, Fernando Cardoso, Washington D.C., Nov. 8, 2001

 

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."  Townsend, Tennessee, Feb. 21, 2001

 

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."  Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001

 

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security, like it's some kind of federal program."  St. Charles, Missouri, Nov. 2, 2000

 

"Families is where our nation finds hope.  Where wings take dream."  Lacrosse, Wisconsin, Oct. 18, 2000

 

"It's clearly a budget.  It's got a lot of numbers in it."  Reuters, May 5, 2000

 

"I understand small business growth.  I was one."  New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

 

"We ought to make the pie higher."  South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

 

"The most important job is not to be governor, or First Lady in my case"  Pella, Iowa, Jan. 30, 2000

 

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"  Concord, New Hampshire, Jan. 29, 2000

 

"I know how hard it is to put food on your family."  Greater Nashua Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

 

"Rarely is the question asked:  Is our children learning?"  Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

 

 

3). Silence is Golden (Part 2)

  Mariah_Yikes.jpg (34011 bytes) Left:  Hush up, girl.  (And, umm... you wanna go out?)

Here's a tidbit that I read in the Dominion newspaper during my travels around New Zealand.  According to the article, pop star Mariah Carey signed a $100 million contract with EMI a while ago, the biggest recording contract in history. 

 

Mariah's first album with EMI, "Glitter," flopped miserably, though, and so EMI paid Mariah $50 million NOT to record another album for them... not a bad deal.  Heck, they'd only have to pay me $1 million not to record an album for them.  

 

Just to prove that there's a brain behind those pipes, though, I wanted to pass along a few of Mariah's unintentionally humorous quotes:

  • While attempting to convince television viewers of her caring nature, she declared:  "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids, I can't help but cry.  I mean, I'd love to be skinny, too, but not with all those files and death and stuff."

  • At a press conference, Mariah suddenly burst into tears and explained:  "I am inconsolable at Jordan's death.  He was a close friend of mine and probably the greatest basketball player the world has ever seen."  It was explained to her that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died, not Michael Jordan.  She later issued a statement declaring her sadness at the king's death and adding that her "thoughts were with Iraq at this difficult time."

Oh, O.K., she's had a rough year and it's easy to pick on her.  Actually, I like Mariah.  So Mariah, if you happen to be reading this, no offense.  And let's get together sometime.

 

 

4). Thoughts For The Day

  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?  

  • When someone tells you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

  • Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?  

  • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?  

  • If people from “Poland” are called “Poles”, why aren’t people from “Holland” called “Holes”?

  • Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

  • How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?

  • If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?

  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  It’s just stale bread to begin with.

  • If it’s true that we’re here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?