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Humor
Humor
1).
Funny
Travel Photos
Whenever I take a road trip, I always look for funny and
offbeat things. Maybe that's because I'm a funny and offbeat guy. I've posted funny photos from my recent
travels around America, New Zealand, and Australia on the following pages:
2).
Silence
is Golden (Part 1)
I
always like to make fun of the U.S. President, whoever he may be. With
George Bush's re-election, I'm looking forward to four more years of
memorable quotes. Here are some of his not-so-articulate
utterings from the past few years:
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Left:
He won't get fooled again. |
"There's an
old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee --
that says, fool me once, shame on -- shame on you. Fool me -- you
can't get fooled again."
Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17,
2002
"And so, in
my State of the -- my State of the Union -- or State -- my speech to the
nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation -- I asked
Americans to give 4,000 years -- 4,000 hours over the next -- the rest of
your life -- of service to America. That's what I asked -- 4,000
hours."
Bridgeport, Connecticut, April 9, 2002
"There's
nothing more deep than recognizing Israel's right to exist. That's
the most deep thought of all. I can't think of anything more deep
than that right."
Washington, D.C., March 13,
2002
"Do you have
blacks, too?"
To Brazilian president,
Fernando Cardoso, Washington D.C., Nov. 8, 2001
"You
teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy
test." Townsend, Tennessee,
Feb. 21, 2001
"The
California crunch really is the result of not enough power generating
plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating
plants."
Interview with the
New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001
"They
want the federal government controlling Social Security, like it's some
kind of federal program."
St. Charles, Missouri, Nov.
2, 2000
"Families is where our nation finds hope. Where wings take dream."
Lacrosse, Wisconsin,
Oct. 18, 2000
"It's
clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
Reuters, May 5, 2000
"I
understand small business growth. I was one."
New York Daily News, Feb.
19, 2000
"We ought to
make the pie higher."
South Carolina Republican
Debate, Feb. 15, 2000
"The
most important job is not to be governor, or First Lady in my
case"
Pella, Iowa, Jan. 30, 2000
"Will
the highways on the Internet become more few?"
Concord,
New Hampshire, Jan. 29, 2000
"I
know how hard it is to put food on your family."
Greater
Nashua Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
"Rarely
is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
Florence,
S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
3).
Silence
is Golden (Part 2)
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Left:
Hush up, girl. (And, umm... you wanna go out?) |
Here's
a tidbit that I read in the Dominion newspaper during my travels around New Zealand. According
to the article, pop star Mariah Carey signed a $100
million contract with EMI a while ago, the biggest recording contract in history.
Mariah's
first album with EMI, "Glitter," flopped miserably, though, and so EMI
paid Mariah $50 million NOT to record another album for them... not
a bad deal. Heck, they'd only have to pay me $1 million not to record an
album for them.
Just to
prove that there's a brain behind those pipes, though,
I wanted to pass along a few of Mariah's unintentionally humorous quotes:
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While
attempting to convince television viewers of her caring nature, she
declared: "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids,
I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny, too, but not with
all those files and death and stuff."
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At
a press conference, Mariah suddenly burst into tears and explained:
"I am inconsolable at Jordan's death. He was a close friend of
mine and probably the greatest basketball player the world has ever
seen." It was explained to her that it was King Hussein of Jordan
who had died, not Michael Jordan. She later issued a statement
declaring her sadness at the king's death and adding that her "thoughts
were with Iraq at this difficult time."
Oh,
O.K., she's had a rough year and it's easy to pick on her. Actually, I
like Mariah. So Mariah, if you happen to be reading this, no
offense. And let's get together sometime.
4).
Thoughts
For The Day
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If
a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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When
someone tells you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents
in, what happens to the other penny?
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Why
is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
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When
cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
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If
people from “Poland” are called “Poles”, why aren’t people from
“Holland” called “Holes”?
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Why
are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
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How
much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
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If
FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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If
a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?
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Why
do croutons come in airtight packages?
It’s
just stale bread to begin with.
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If
it’s true that we’re here to help others, then what exactly are the others
here for?
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